Ever since this morning, my heart kept having the same heavy feeling I had before going to bed. The cause of it? You would actually laugh or maybe mock me for being utterly ridiculous. The reason for that very heavy feeling is due to a manga that my friend borrowed me to read. The story is really good..and you could actually connect yourself with each and every character in the story. Whatever they went through in that story, its either you already went through it or you’re bound to went through it. One way or the other, whether you like it or not. I actually didn’t want to finish reading the manga. Having to know the ending is just too unbearable to me. Actually not the ending, just the process of getting to that very ending. My God, I would’ve dig out my heart if I could. Sadly, I still want to live so tough luck!
Later I was wondering which of these three am I. I was having a tough time choosing between being foolish, selfish or just merely stupid. So this is what you do whenever you can’t make up your mind…well, this is what I do…sometimes…either I flip a coin or pick all of it. For this case, I am foolish, selfish and also stupid. I only flip a coin whenever I want to decide whether I want to chat with a person online or call someone. A month ago, my friend told me that he is willing to wait for a girl, even though the girl is already taken. I told him that he’s an idiot. I told him that he was being a foolish aloof. Its not like she’s the only girl in the world. There are plenty more out there and there are better ones. Why limit yourself to one when you have tons more out there? A month ago, I don’t know any better. Right now, I still don’t know any better than what I know a month ago. I know…kinda sad, really! Short said, I am stuck in the same case as he did before. Whenever my friends would tell me that they would wait for someone, I would ask the for what cause. They merely give me a simple reply which is for the cause of love…Love…people, you’re only 18…or 17 for some other friends of mine…hell you know what love is! You could plainly have an infatuation and claim that, that is love! You could even walk down the street and spot someone hot, and say that you’re in love! In the dictionary, love is known to be an intense feeling of deep affection. Another meaning would be a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone. That is love through the people who invented the dictionary. Point for all that crap, I find that it is rather ridiculous and foolish of my friends whenever they told me that they would actually wait for another human being. I asked my friend, how could he wait for someone, when knowing that no feelings is going to be returned to you and also knowing that person wouldn’t care less…not how, why is the question. He replied me in four simple words…"because I love her!" I would love to smack some sense into his brain but I was too far away…still too far away! Is it true that people would condemned themselves into doing something as foolish as this when they’re in love? How do you know when you’re in love anyway?
I can’t say that I love him or can I say that I hate him. All I could think about is him and every time when I do, I would remind myself to face reality. When I was a kid, I would think that when I turn 18 I would be able to handle being in a relationship. How I would love to travel back time and point at my young self saying,"IN YOUR FACE!!!". Maybe not that, but saying "I told you so" isn’t right either. Could be just a post-infatuation like my roommate told me. It would be over soon once I leave, she said. Sister told me to move on and stop whining. Just cause he don’t like you the way he used to, don’t mean he doesn’t care about you. Its life, suck it up! Strong words from your blood sibling. That is why you turn to friends during this crisis. At least they give you better comfort! I’m being foolish for still thinking or hoping about it. I’m being selfish for I put front my feelings rather than everything else. I’m stupid for listening to everybody and not myself. I went around asking questions. Kept on going on and on over the same topic until I want my friends to tell me what I want to hear. Not really being honest to myself, eh? Friends told me that I could’ve just ask him, settle everything once and for all. Once I get my answer, I’ll just move on, skipping happily along the path called life! Yeah, why not? Walking out from the elevator, I told myself there would be a tons of reasons I could come up with and none of them would actually be good enough to convince myself. I want so badly to know. I want so badly to ask. Hold on to him, give him a hard shake and slap him on the face just to get some answers. Maybe I’m the one who is in need of the hard shake and slap. Waking me up from the eternal slumber I place myself in. Not wanting to wake up…not wanting to let go.
I knew the answer. I had an answer. I ripped every single entry I wrote in my diary. I threw away every sketch I drew…even the one I loved. I deleted every single picture. Erase it from my camera….thinking if I do all that, it would help me feel better and it would help me move on. No…it didn’t help. Not one bit. Well, it did but only for a while. The effect didn’t last long! You can delete the pictures but don’t throw away the drawings or rip your entries off your diary. Seriously, you’ll regret it after a few days! When you rush back to the trash can, it’s already gone! Then, you’ll just sit in front of the trash can and start crying. That didn’t happen to me…I’m merely just putting in a way so you could visualize it!
A realization dawned upon me through this emotionally swinging journey of mine. I always love to solve my problems by asking people on how they would do it. I would beg around for opinions and pick the one I like and use it rather than my own ones. Sometimes I would follow and do what I want, so whenever I do that, it either ends up really bad or just ends up having my sister or people telling me that I’m either being stupid or careless or reckless and my favorite of all, being selfish. Sometimes my sister used that word so much, I just don’t understand what the word selfish actually means to her! Seriously, I just don’t know! Back to my dawning realization, I realized that I always regret on whatever I do. People tell you not to regret about life, I don’t think I quite apply to the rule well enough. I envy my friends sometimes. They go after what they want and are not afraid of admitting that they’re actually being fools for doing so. If its something that makes you happy, why not take that risk? I’ve let so many chances slip due to the overdose-ness of pride in my system…either that or I’m under denial a lot. Or could be just the simple case of lacking self-confidence. Could also be the case of thinking too much and giving up too easily. I read a book and a woman quoted, "I think, that’s why I’m single!". Oh, I laugh at that very quote and can’t help but agree that its true. Being single is great…yeah…it is…until you realized that you like someone! Dilemma sets in…the anxiety…the anticipation….the SUSPENSE…ooo…the suspense! Being in the dark at all times, feeling vulnerable in every single way a person could feel. Being single is no different that being in a relationship. You complain when you’re not in one and you still do when you’re in one. The only difference between being single and being in a relationship is that you actually have someone there to actually comfort you…no matter how lame your excuse is! Someone you could rely on in times of need. Someone you could talk to and be yourself. Someone you could very well be honest to, no matter how brutal it could be. Sounds like a friend…but you gotta admit, you still lie to them from time to time. Hide your little habits which your friends find is bad. Change if you can just to fit in. You still feel the peer pressure no matter what. A friend would kill you…actually there are cases where your special someone kills you too…so scratch that off! At least you would feel relieve seeing that it is them rather than your friends. I won’t lie but sometimes, you do find your friends a bit boring after some time. Don’t criticize people…we all do that and you all know it! I don’t mean it in a bad way though…what I said finding friends boring after some time. You people…don’t always take it the wrong way…take it the ‘right’ way!
Being 18, I know I am old enough to make my own decisions. Mature enough to think about the consequences of each and every of my actions. I actually still unable to do that still. A bit of a blur case still, but no worries, I’m gonna grow out of that…eventually. Funny thing about people nowadays, when you’re a teenager, you just can’t wait to be in a relationship. As soon as you hit 20 and above, you just can’t wait to get out of one! Well, some of you people out there…somewhere! Time is my answer and time is my solution. The manga that I was talking about earlier. I read it and one of the characters told the main one, if you’re never sure about liking someone, it never really is there. I’m not saying I’m not sure about how I feel about him…just wanted to point out that I want time to be sure of it. Okay, I’m not sure of it! Geez, now I’m not sure whether I’m sure or not sure about it! Damn you people! Oh well, I still want time to grow up. Not grow up…just…I want time just to be sure I’m ready for it. It could never work out if you’re not ready to take up something you couldn’t handle. With time, I will see whether if I could actually let go or not. And also, with time, at least I would know which path I should pick next. Rather than sitting in the dark always, stressing myself over it! Everybody told me I’m still too young for this kinda stuff. Ya’ need to grow up a bit more, they say. Enjoy life while you’re still young and don’t even think about it until you wanna get marry! Okay, I added the get marry part but you know what I mean! You know what I think? Even though from time to time, i go against my friends whenever it comes to them being in their relationship…like calling them stupid for waiting someone they love or telling them that they are just blind! You wanna know what I think? Being or falling in love is not limited to a specific age group. You could be in love at the age of 5 and still remain with that very same special someone till you’re buried six feet under! People who kept on saying that there are other people out there still, better and stuff…people like me…you’re just never grateful for whatever was given to you. Although sometimes that does apply to certain cases…but, why do you want something more when what you already have is perfect? For those cases like your boyfriend is an ass or your girlfriend is a bitch and you don’t like them one bit after some time, yeah, the "there are other fishes out there" rule applies here. For the rest, people…love those who you have they way they are and don’t try to change them. Change them when it is desperately needed and for the sake of their own good…not because you want them to become your ideal soul mate! Also, don’t follow this stupid rule, which is "let love go!" You’d be a fool to do so. Don’t mix not letting it go with forcing. These two are completely and absolutely two different things from two different universe. Don’t let that special someone go away and wait like an idiot for them to return. They are human beings…not boomerangs! I repeat, NOT BOOMERANGS! Try your best going after that special someone until you don’t feel there’s hope no more. Don’t stalk them and harass them. If they tell you that being friends is good, then remain being their friend. Don’t force. Don’t you ever force someone to love you, cause you would be even more depressed than before! Nobody loves doing something against their own will, any human or living organism for that matter knows that! Also, follow this rule…,"Don’t go looking for love, let love find you! That’s why its called falling in love, because you just fall!"…I tried…it worked! Love comes unexpectedly and at times when you least expect it to happen. I just realized that this entry is supposed to be something I want to get off my chest which ended up being a love advice entry…sorry for going way out of topic! But if you think about it in a different perspective, it is related in a way!
I want to use time as my solution. And I want to stick to it. Because time made me realized something. Oh, my God I have so many realizations! A case occurred where I thought a guy hated me…well, I didn’t think that he hated me…I just thought he didn’t like me. A year later, found out that he did once liked me, but kinda shooked it off. Decided that we’re better off friends rather than a couple. Hehe…couldn’t agree more! A part of me is actually glad we actually went through that phase without making a hasty decision like any teenager would when you found out somebody likes you. You would panic and turn to your friend sayin, "What should I do? Should I be with him/her? Do I even like him/her? Well, he’s/she’s not a bad person? Why not?" And in the end, when it didn’t work out, the friendship ends because both parties are just too awkward to be around each other. Although there are cases where they got over it and just stick being friends forever. I don’t think I have to go through the part where the relationship actually works out now, do I? Another part of me would be that, I should’ve stick with my own intuition and actually work things out if I knew about that. Kinda regretted that I just gave up and stop. That’s the other part. Don’t take it too seriously! I am really, REALLY glad that we remain best of friends and that whole case didn’t kill our friendship!
Point, I figured I did plenty of stuff I regretted. I made decisions that goes against what I want. Always following what other people say rather than actually having my own voice. Can’t help it…I didn’t want to go against what my parents or sisters’ wants for me because it makes them happy. It just brings joy to me whenever I make someone smile. If the people around me are happy, I’m happy. The only thing that would drag me down is knowing that someone I really cared about is deeply…hurt or unhappy and I can’t do anything about it. I know its a bit corny and stupid, but truly, it does makes me happy when I know that the people I cared about are smiling and happy. I never like it when they’re down. Would panic if I don’t know what to do! Stupid, ain’t it? I don’t really care how crappy of a day I had. If they’re down, I’ll pull them up. Make them smile for me…even when most of the time, I’m the cause of it! XD
To finish off, time is my solution. For now, I can’t let go just yet! I don’t know why, I refuse to let go. Like I mention earlier, I tried many ways. Didn’t work! There is one more way, which is look for someone else. But I don’t want to do that either! As I refuse to let go, I also refuse to pursue. I don’t think I’m entirely ready to receive a blow just yet. So time…is my solution. I guess there comes a point in everybody’s life where you just decide you need a change in your life. Listening to people’s advices isn’t a bad thing. It helps you to view things in different aspects. But it is your choice to pick out the good ones and actually applying them to your own voice, which I haven’t been doing for quite some time for some cases. Love me or hate me, there are words coming from my heart. Till then, ta-ta.
P.S: Just found out that this entry is seriously…corny!
Went into a relationship with Neil. Got closer to both Zahra and Nachely! Spend weekends in the cinema and almost every other night with Zahra cause she’s my roomie and I like her! Nachely lives like 5 minutes away from me and she is like my sis! Teaches me some stuff, well both of them did and it was helpful!